Helping Children With Big Feelings and School Transitions

Nick Parker

3 hours ago

6 min read

Children handle a new school or a new grade more easily when the adults around them do three things: help them put words to what they feel, keep daily routines predictable, and stay in touch with the school. Feeling nervous about a change is normal. Worry that lasts for weeks deserves a closer look.

Key points

Nervousness about a new school or grade is a normal reaction to change.
Naming a feeling out loud is a skill children learn with practice and adult help.
Regular sleep, meals, homework time and downtime give children a sense of security.
Visiting the school and practicing the morning ahead of time removes some of the unknowns.
If distress lasts for weeks or keeps your child out of school, talk to the school and a professional.

Why do school transitions bring up such big feelings?

A new school changes almost everything a child relies on at once: the building, the adults, the rules, the lunch table. Even a move from one grade to the next can do it. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration reminds parents that it is normal for children to feel anxious about changes like these.

Big transition points are also when some children begin resisting school. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that school refusal most often appears around ages 5 to 7 and 11 to 14, the years when children are starting school and moving up to middle school.

Younger children are still learning how feelings work. In the early grades they are making connections between events and how they feel. A little later they begin to notice how emotions show up in their bodies, such as a nervous stomach. A child who says "my tummy hurts" on the first morning may be telling you about worry in the only words they have.

How can I help my child name big feelings?

A child cannot ask for help with a feeling they cannot name. You can teach the words the same way you taught colors: by pointing them out, often, in ordinary moments.

Say what you see. "Your shoulders are up by your ears. I wonder if you are feeling nervous about tomorrow."
Borrow a picture your child already understands. One activity from the National Alliance on Mental Illness uses weather, so you might ask whether today feels sunny, cloudy or stormy inside.
Make room for mixed feelings. A child can be excited about a new teacher and sad about leaving the old one in the same hour.
Connect body and feeling. "Sometimes worry feels like a stomachache. Where do you feel it?"
Acknowledge the fear before you reassure. Encourage your child to talk about how they feel about school, and let them know you understand.
Solve after you soothe. Once your child is calmer, help them through the steps to solve the problem that upset them.

What routines make a new school year easier?

A consistent routine gives children a sense of security when other things are changing. It does not need to be elaborate. It needs to be the same most days.

Set a regular sleep schedule. Begin the school-year bedtime and wake-up time before the first day, so the first week is not also the week your child is short on sleep.
Plan meals, homework and downtime. Healthy meals at regular times, a set time for homework, and time to relax are all part of a steady routine.
Practice the morning. Rehearse getting ready, walk to the bus stop, or drive the route to school. A dry run turns an unknown into something your child has already done once.
Visit before the first day. Go to orientation if the school holds one, so your child can meet teachers, find classrooms and learn the layout. If there is no orientation, ask whether you can visit.
Offer small choices. Let your child make a limited number of simple choices, such as what to wear or what to pack for a snack. It gives them some control on a day when much is decided for them.

Starting school, changing schools and moving up to middle school

Starting school. For a young child the hard part is often the goodbye. Keep it short, warm and the same each day, and tell your child exactly when you will be back. Some clinging or tears at drop-off in the first days can be part of adjusting. If they continue, or come with ongoing fears about your safety or trouble sleeping alone, mention it to the teacher and your child's doctor.

Changing schools. A child who changes schools loses friends as well as familiar hallways. Help them stay in touch with old friends, and encourage time in person with new classmates so new friendships can start. A stressful event such as a move or a school change is one of the points where school avoidance can begin, so check in regularly during the first weeks.

Moving up to middle school. Middle school usually brings several teachers, a schedule to keep track of and a wider group of peers. Walk through the schedule together and practice anything new, such as opening a locker. Ask specific questions at the end of the day, since "How was school?" tends to get a one-word answer. If worry seems to be growing, our parent guide to anxiety and school stress covers older children.

How do I work with my child's school?

Teachers see a side of your child that you do not, so talk to them early. Tell the teacher what your child is finding hard, and ask what they notice in class, at lunch and at recess.

If your child needs more support during the day, ask about it directly. A regular check-in with a trusted adult at school is one option schools use. You can also ask whether accommodations, such as a 504 Plan or an individualized education program, would be appropriate. Those depend on whether your child qualifies, and the school can explain the process.

When a therapist or doctor is involved, family, school and clinician should coordinate so everyone is following one plan. Your child's health care providers can help you communicate with the school.

When do big feelings need more than support at home?

Most children settle in. Consider asking for professional help if a behavior or emotion lasts for weeks or longer, causes distress for your child or family, or interferes with functioning at school, at home or with friends.

One pattern to watch for is the school-morning illness: a headache, sore throat or stomachache that appears just before it is time to leave, eases when your child stays home, and returns the next school day. Our article on signs your child may benefit from counseling lists other signs by age.

If your child talks about wanting to hurt themselves or is in crisis, call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or call 911. Our office does not provide emergency services.

How Balanced Life can help

Balanced Life Counseling Services offers counseling for children and family therapy at our offices in Salisbury and Bethesda, Maryland, in person and by telehealth. If you are unsure how to raise the idea at home, see how to talk to your child about therapy.

We are accepting new patients. Our new patients page explains how to schedule a first appointment.

Frequently asked questions

How long does it take a child to adjust to a new school?

There is no fixed timeline, and children differ. Some settle within days and others need longer. What matters more than the calendar is the direction: mornings getting a little easier, a friend's name coming up, fewer complaints. If distress has lasted for weeks, is getting worse, or is keeping your child out of class, talk with the teacher and consider an evaluation.

What should I do when my child has a meltdown before school?

Stay calm and keep your words few. Name the feeling you think you are seeing, and wait for your child to settle before you try to fix anything. Once they are calmer, help them through the steps to solve the problem. Keep the morning routine going where you can. If meltdowns happen on most school mornings, let the teacher know and ask what they see.

My child complains of stomachaches every school morning. Is that anxiety?

It can be a sign of it. Physical complaints that appear just before school, ease once a child stays home and return the next school morning are a common pattern in school avoidance. Have your child's doctor check for a medical cause first. If none is found, talk with the school and a mental health professional about what may be driving it.

How can I prepare my child for middle school?

Visit the building, attend orientation, and walk through the schedule together. Practice the new parts of the day, including the morning routine and the route to school. Keep sleep, meals and homework time steady. Talk openly about what your child is looking forward to and what they are nervous about, and remind them that feeling anxious about a change is normal.

Sources

If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline). In an emergency, call 911.